it can't rain forever.

Maybe it’s not my weekend, But it’s gonna be my year.

The last year has been a whirlwind of confusion, reunions, second chances,love,  losses, beauty, and pain. It has been a lonely season, a happy season, and a dark clouded season. I choose to call them seasons because a season is only for a short time and it was just that.

The lonely season: I met some of the most amazing people during this time, I also wrote some of my favorite songs during this time. Prior to January of last year, I lost one of my best friends to a senseless fight, however, we let bygones be bygones and reunited a few months later and I don’t regret that one bit. The reason we weren’t friends for those months was partly because everyone told me not to be, and foolishly, I listened. But hey, it made a really cool song and I learned a valuable lesson, which for those who are wondering what that lesson might be, it’s this: Listen to your heart. Heart means everything.

I met some not-so-genuine people, but if I helped them during this time in any way or form, then it was worth it. I also learned, you can’t make someone love you and just because they “act” like they care, doesn’t mean they do. I started hanging out with Bethany a lot during this time, thus bore an awesome friendship and turned 3 towns upside down…don’t worry, not literally, but it might as well have been. We recorded a rap song (yeah, i know), were in the process of recording our own albums, were in Fayetteville pretty much every weekend (we even got left at target 2 hours after telling my friend that I get myself into crazy situations, but we found this amazing Mexican restaurant!!), we danced in giant Christmas trees, Made listening to Chingy actually seem cool, and so many other things that i can’t mention because it would take 100 Tumblr posts and you might be here reading for days, so i’ll spare you. But a side note, She inspired me to write music and well, she was the other one who cared to listen, other than kevin, and i appreciate that more than she’ll ever know.

I met someone who forever changed my life. I would do anything for this person. I used to stay up all night talking about everything from God to the Vandy Game, Girls, Hell, even the latest Taco from Taco bell…we talked about everything. He drove me crazy but i wouldn’t change nothing about him. Even if i wanted to slap him half the time, i will never have a friendship like i did with drew. And even though, we don’t speak anymore, I will cherish the memories i have forever. He made me smile in my happy and sad times and i’ll be forever thankful that he was in my life.

I also met some other really cool people. Some that are still in my life who I see quite often and some that I wish still were. I eventually stopped recording, got disconnected from a lot of people and lost my best friend. everything i built seemed to fall over night. But god knows best, I’m learning that he really is in control.

The dark clouded season: I became quite bitter, quite emotionless. Just kind of existing. Without really letting anyone know, though, i’m sure some could tell. I felt so obsolete. I also felt like a hamster running in circles but not getting anywhere and not even getting skinny from all the running. but a lot of people stuck through it, and i’m very thankful. Especially sidney, since he saw most of the bad moods, he’s a trooper and means a lot to me! I had alot of losses during this time. I lost my best friend, I lost my grandpa, and i lost the only kind of normalcy i thought i had. I felt like i was losing everything i had ever known, and in a way, i was.

Now, to the present tense: Sometimes you have to lose all familarity to get where you need to be.

A week ago, a prayer was answered. These past months have been pretty rough and there wasn’t much hope for anything. However, I started working at a salon where I can finish my apprenticeship. I’m so so so so happy about this. For those that know me know that i hate not finishing something i start, so being able to do this is a big deal to me! I’m going to start College in the Fall (finally), and I’m really working on building better relationships with people that i’ve kind of neglected in the past such as my brother Levi and My grandma.

Things are really starting to look up. I’m also focusing more on God, even though I pray everyday, I feel that isn’t enough. I need to live it to the fullest. My pursuit in God is my Pursuit to happiness.

I will always cherish the memories made and the lessons learned of last year and i will live this year like i only have one chance.

I vow to say how i feel and do the right thing, even if it’s hard.

The happy season: The pen is in my hand.

Didn’t know it would be this hard to choose a good school. oh em gee.

I’m as sure of you, as I know we’re looking at the same moon.

I’ve become more bold in the last few days, Maybe it’s because I turned a new age.

Or maybe it’s because I got tired of waiting for things to happen, maybe I finally wanted to release these bottled up feelings and maybe for the last year, I’ve been dying to tell you.

And that’s exactly what I did.

It’s not how I thought it would be…

I imagined seeing you, face to face, I imagined it being the biggest moment in my life.

I imagined it would be the hardest thing I would ever do, because it took me a year to do it.

During that year, I imagined i’d tell you that night I stood in my driveway so angry at you, but so happy to hear your voice as you told me “I don’t care about her, I care about you and me” but I didn’t tell you, I wasn’t that brave.

I imagined i’d tell you the day you were at your mother’s house with a few friends in a different state and you stood outside on the phone with me for an hour trying to find out why I wouldn’t talk to you the whole day, but I didn’t, I wasn’t that brave.

I imagined I would’ve told you the day you told me you honestly missed me after not speaking for an entire month, but I didn’t, I wasn’t that brave.

There were many times I could have told you, but I waited, over a year.

I was scared, for lack of better words, shitless.

I was afraid of what you might say.

I waited until we weren’t talking, I waited until I finally felt like I had lost you, I waited until I had nothing else to say, no excuses.

I waited until I realized exactly what I had been dying to say all along.

It was nothing like I had imagined.

It wasn’t hard at all. We weren’t having a heart to heart conversation, filled with tears and “i miss you’s” in fact, we weren’t talking at all, we hadn’t spoke in quite some time, actually.

On the contrary, It was the easiest, most natural thing i’ve ever done.

It felt right, I felt peace.

I was no longer afraid of what you might say, I was more afraid of you not knowing how I felt…

I always thought i’d write you this really long letter, stating how much I cared and every single detail of what you meant to me and how you made me feel, etc.

But it was much more simplistic than that…

Even knowing you may never reply, I had finally said everything I ever wanted to say to you in one small sentence.

I love you, more than you will ever know.

It’s a mango tea and a good book kind of day :)

Loving you was like throwing a lasso around a tornado.

When I first laid eyes on you
Well, the night just felt so odd
You looked at me and the stars lined up
So I thought I’d heard from God…
And I gave it my best shot.